Oh dear
by Ivan Alias
Summary: New students at the Institute, but are they a blessing or a burden? They're a burden


I own nothing whatsoever. In any form or shape, bar my four characters.  
  
It all started off when the new kids saw the uniforms.  
  
"So, let me get this straight. You-" Eva pointed at Xavier. "-Are a multi-millionaire who, after discovering this so-called revolutionary evolutionary gene, have set up this giant instillation to train mutants to use their powers for good."  
  
"That's right."  
  
"And you have successfully beaten off several mutant megalomaniacs who desire to conquer the world, the army, your own brother, an overgrown reject from a Japanese robot cartoon, and you wear these uniforms?" Eva looked at the aforementioned clothes with a raised eye.  
  
"What's the plan?" Lexy drawled "Make our enemies laugh themselves to death?"  
  
Xavier rolled his eyes, and muttered something unprintable. "This 'laughable' uniform you are criticising has been invaluable to all of the members of the X-men. Without it, some X-men could've died in the field."  
  
"Of what? Rubber withdrawal?"  
  
"Well, I think it's in order to entice doubters of our mission to embrace us." Piter said. He flexed his non-existent muscles. "After all, who could resist this manly physique in skin-tight spandex?"  
  
Xavier sighed. This was going to take a long time. "Perhaps we should discuss this idea sometime later. It has been a long day..."  
  
"Aw, come on! Hoo wiz Ah supposed tae know that nitric acid and glycerine form nitro glycerine?"  
  
Piter smirked "Because I told you that yesterday?"  
  
"Aye, well... They shouldnae hive had that stuff lying around."  
  
"Lying around? It was locked behind a five-inch steel door."  
  
"Exactly, they shoulda locked it behind a six-inch steel door."  
  
The group left the office. Xavier sighed. He was getting a migraine which told him it was going to be one of those days again  
  
"Y'know..." Piter said, stirring the bowl of cereal in front of him. "The more I think about it, the more this Xavier guy seems to be highly insecure."  
  
Scott stared at him. "Excuse me?"  
  
"Well, why do you think he called you lot the 'X-Men', except to gain worldwide popularity?"  
  
"He named us the X-Men because of the X-gene."  
  
"And who do you think discovered that?"  
  
Scott frowned. "The professor did..."  
  
"Exactly my point."  
  
"No, wait. It was called the X-gene because it's shaped like an X."  
  
Piter snorted. "Genes are not X-shaped, that's impossible. All genes are H- shaped." He paused, and looked thoughtful for a second. "Or lots of F's, one on top of the other, or lots of E's, or..."  
  
"Ah think what Piter's saying is that your beloved Professor isn't so universally minded."  
  
"What does that mean?" Jean said, sounding a trifle annoyed.  
  
"All Ah'm saying is that the Professor's got ulterior motives. He is using yous lot to 'graffiti', if you will, his whole name around the world. The 'X-gene', the 'X-Men', the 'X-Jet', the 'X-Van'..." Dean waved his hand around generally. "Do yous see a resemblance?"  
  
Jean's annoyed look grew more pronounced. "I don't think that he's trying to boost his ego using us-"  
  
"Tae use an old Scottish proverb, missy: 'Aye, fucki' right'. If yous made a team of fighting mutants, would yous call them the 'X-Men'? Naw, yous widnae."  
  
"Yeah, you should've been called the 'Sinister Icy Black Hand of Death! Club'." Lexy added from her seat against the window.  
  
"H-shaped... F-shaped... E-shaped... C-shaped?" Piter muttered under his breath.  
  
Scott shook his head. "I can't take much more of this. You lot can bombard the other kids with questions."  
  
Dean snapped his fingers. "Say, that's a guid idea! There wiz that hot- lookin' blonde girl around..." He trailed off as he walked out the door, shifting his wings unconsciously.  
  
"So, what is there to do around here, bar training for this X-Men team?" Lexy asked. Then she added. "You know, Piter and Dean are right. That is a stupid name for a bunch of mutant commandos."  
  
Jean sighed, and got up from the table, walking towards the exit.  
  
"I mean, did he really think it was a good idea? Did he think that making his team sound like a 1970's prog rock group would frighten the enemy? And what's with everybody's 'code name'? Did he choose them? If not, why not? If he didn't who did?..." Again she trailed off as she followed Jean out the door.  
  
Eva sighed. "Piter, I think that I may have been better of staying at home. At least I wasn't surrounded by complete maniacs then." Eva looked back towards the muttering teenager. "Piter?"  
  
"...The E-men... The F-Men... The C-Men... Hey, wait a minute, the L-Men! Yeah that's good! The L-Men! Just think of the merchandising! Uncanny L-Men T- shirts, L-Men boxers..."  
  
"Never mind..."  
  
Three hours had passed since the encounter with Jean and Scott. Already the four amigos had caused another small building levelling explosion –albeit with Forge's help, gotten themselves blasted by Tabitha's time- bombs in Dean's case, managed to flood the entire foyer, despite the fact there were no plumbing facilities within twenty-five meters of the foyer, in short, they tripled the aspirin intake of the entire institute.  
  
"...so what about Rogue? Is that her real name? Is it an alias? Is it her code name? What about you? Why don't you have a code name? Do you have a reverse superiority complex? Do you have an inverse inferiority complex? Who chose Nightcrawler's name? Did he? If so, why? Does he think he's a worm? Do worms like him? Does he like worms? If so, does he like them fried or sun-dried? Talking of which, what's your favourite way of cooking potatoes? Do you like them boiled? Mashed? Spit-roasted? Baked? Grilled? Steamed? Deep-fried?..."  
  
"Does she ever stop asking questions?" Ray asked Eva  
  
"Not that I've ever noticed." She said, watching Jean descend further into madness, although, to be frank, she wasn't sure she could descend any further.  
  
"So what exactly do you guys do?"  
  
"Me? I just happen to be kinda strong and tough. Piter there is a 'human- supercomputer' to quote him, leaving him with an ego slightly less than the universe. Dean..." She said, ducking under the aforementioned person. "...is as ugly as sin, and cam also fly. Lexy can't do anything, except possibly cause her enemies to burst a blood vessel through annoyance."  
  
Ray grimaced as he saw Dean collide with a wall at full speed. "I think you lot are going to get on fine here..."  
  
"There you are!" Piter yelled, appearing before them with an armful of underwear. "What do you think? Of course, they're only prototypes, but with a suitable mass-market and advertising strategy, I think these babies are gonna sell like hotcakes!"  
  
Eva looked at one critically. "What are they?"  
  
"Do you like 'em? I call them: 'The Extraordianery L-Men Underwear' available both in male and female types..."  
  
"OKAY, WHO'S THE WISE GUY WHO'S TAKEN MY UNDERWEAR?" Kitty's voice yelled.  
  
"YOUR UNDERWEAR?" Bellowed Logan's voice. "WHAT ABOUT MINE?"  
  
"...And that's my cue to leave, folks, thanks, you've been a fantastic audience!" Piter started running, pursued closely by Kitty and Logan.  
  
"GIVE ME MY CLOTHES BACK, YOU PERVERT!"  
  
"HEY, C'MON! I'M ONLY TRYING TO MAKE A PROFIT AND AT THE SAME TIME PRESENT A MORE SCIENTIFICALLY EXACT APPROACH TO YOU GUYS!"  
  
"YOU'RE TRYING MUCH MORE THAN THAT, KID!"  
  
"YOU CALL THAT A COMEBACK? OH, COME ON! MY GRANDMOTHER COULD COME UP WITH SOMETHING BETTER THEN THAT! AND SHE'S DEAD! At least, the last I checked she was dead..."  
  
"...What are your views on eggs? Do you think they're good boiled? Scrambled? Poached? Fried? Baked? Grilled?... ACKK!" This exclamation was brought forth when Jean, her self-control - not to mention sanity - long forgotten, started strangling Lexy to death.  
  
Dean wandered up, his eyes crossed. "See yous, Jimmy, see when Ah get my hauns on the moron who thought walls were a guid idea in hauses? Ah'm gonna..." Then he collapsed.  
  
Eva rolled her eyes. "I think the problem is not us getting on fine with you, but more you getting on fine with us..."  
  
Read and Review please. 


End file.
